As my last year of high school approaches I am left with one of the hardest question I may ever face. What will I do with my life? There is an undoubted pressure for my teenage self to have the answer to this question and the answer is simple. I don’t have a clue. And I am getting increasingly worried I may never know the answer to the quetion.
My younger self was filled with ideas though, Ages five through thirteen I had a great intent on being in some form of medical profession, paramedic being my favourite option. I even took first aid classes. But for some reason one day my intent of entering the medical field just stopped. There was no defining moment where I no longer wanted to become a paramedic or a doctor or a nurse or anything else it was just no longer what I wanted to do. And that was fine people are allowed to change there minds and I still had plenty of time to pcik what I wanted to do.
Scattered throughout my childhood were jobs like actress, singer, director, writer, fashion designer, music producer. I believe all children must go through a phase or phases in my case where you dream the immpossible and for some of these children the immpossible will be possible but in my case it was never to be. In my head at the time these were realistic targets, of course I could win an Oscar it would be easy really. Yeah… the dreams never lasted to long but they were always there.
For a while I wanted to be some form of therapist, to me it sounded like an ideal job, to be able to help people trough situations to be able to help and have an impact in people’s lives. But if you ever met me you’d realise what a sarcastic bitch I am and to be honest I’d probably end up telling someone to go jump out a window if they really annoyed me. Probably not the advice a therapist should be giving a patient. It may be the wisest choice I have made by not continuing to try and become one.
And the job most recently been on the top of my list was social work, specialising in children. A good choice if I do say so myself a reachable goal I looked out what I needed to study where I could study it. The works. But recently my mind has been undecided. It is no longer what I want to be, or is it, I'm not really sure.
Maybe want isn’t a factor I should be looking at when I consider my future. Practicality may be one, pay may be another, the chance of finding a job or getting into a course. In an ideal world I would know what I want to be, I’d get there, yeah I’d have to work hard, but I’d get there, I would enjoy my job and the people I work with and I’d look forward to everyday. But that’s an Ideal world and I definitely don’t live in it.
The worst thing is when people around me have their lives planned out. They know what they’re going to do and on track to it, I guess I’m jealous that they have it all sorted and my life just feels like a mess. ONE BIG MESS.
So I don’t have a ten year plan or a five year plan, or a year plan, I barely know what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I’m not about to conquer the world, although it's not completly out of the question. The future is big and dark and scary and unknown. But I’ll get by, I hope, little by little I’ll figure out what I need to be doing. The good thing about not having a plan for the future, I sure as hell will not be disappointed about what happens when it comes.
