This City Has Secrets // Project 366 // Day 6

Wandering the streets of a city I have know my whole life is a lot different looking through the lens of a camera. This city has secrets.

Hidden in alleys, between cobblestones, amongst the buildings are a thousand stories you'll never hear.

xoxo

Future Thoughts // Project 365 // Day 201

My friend is getting married, and though the wedding isn't until Winter 2020 planning is very much underway and all the big and little details of the big day are coming together. I have no doubt the day will be magical and I'm so happy for her and too be included in this planning portion of the excitement.

Mainly because I have never thrown too much thought to getting married, I've never dreamed of a big day or envisioned how it would pan out. Never saw myself in white walking down an aisle.

 For the most part I've never thought I would I'm quite happy to live life without the fuss, a Wedding can be a lot of money and Marriage really isn't for everyone.

Over the last year and especially in the last few months my thoughts on marriage has somewhat swayed instead of being an outright no. I realise it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. There's no one way to do it and I could do it to suit me if the time ever came.

Who knows what the future will hold and normally when I dare to think about future plans, my main thoughts are on travel and career. There are parts I never envisioned worming there way in and life wouldn't be that awful if they played out.

For now I'm happy to swoon over dresses for loved up friends, to encourage the little things that seem like a big expense, too nosy at photographers and listen to playlists.

xoxo

I Know // Project 365 // Day 130

I know what this looks like, I know, I know

I know what they're saying, I know, I know

That you're just on the other side of a real bad way 

and you're just on the other side of drowning your life away

Well its too damn bad it's all a big cliche 

Cause I know you were always the one 

I was looking for.

- Joy Lenz - 

xoxo

Fresh Air // 365 Project // Day 105

Some old fashioned things like sunshine and fresh air are hard to beat...

xoxo

You've had your Chance // Project 365 // Day 92

I have a bad habit of thinking the best of people. Because most of the time I am an overly honest person I expect others to be the same and because of that I give one to many chances.

Today I found out that I'd been lied too, and another version of the story had been told to someone else to better suit there narratives, to make them come out more positively.

This has happened a few times over the last months,  people will make you out to be a bad guy to make themselves feel better about what they did to you.

I am quite willing to accept blame when the situation calls, but I'm not prepared to be a scapegoat because you fucked up.

I quite literally can't cope with that anymore. If you aren't prepared to be honest and deal with situations openly and without trying to throw someone else under the bus then leave the situation. Don't bother yourself in the first place.

I don't know why behaviours like this continue to shock me.

xoxo

Heavy Debates // Project 365 // Day 83

Today I talked about heavy subjects.

Religion, Politics, Money.

And it didn't feel all that heavy.

I mainly try and stay away from these subjects especially with the current political climate as I don't want to spark any angered heated debates. I have my views and you have yours is my normal leave it there type of thinking.

Instead of my normal approach I spoke about these subjects with people who have different, some opposing views. People who looked at things differently.

Agreeing on very little, but all interested in each others opinions because there is so much to be learned from the people around you.

I find it all fascinating, I like learning what other people have concluded from situations and how they have reached their line of thinking. So if you have a chance to sit down with people who aren't screaming that you're wrong, or are trying to change your viewpoint but instead just want to show how they see things. Take that chance and converse with them.

You will leave the conversation enlightened. Life is full of people who have walked down different roads than the one you are on.

They have seen life differently. And so have you.

In high school my Modern Studies teacher would often have the class debate opposing views and discuss what we felt before and after the debate and I miss that maturity to subjects. People got to have a view without feeling attacked.

xoxo

The Science Experiment // Project 365 // Day 73

I really struggle going to sleep. And after having last week off and jumping back into early shifts at work this week I have been STRUGGLING!

My alarm was set for half five this morning, I remember hearing it. But thinking not much time had passed at all since I closed my eyes. Mainly asleep o hit snooze I always set my alarm with half an hour to go.

I rework a few moments later. Forgetful of my alarm. Hearing my mum blow dry her hair. I wondered why my alarm hadn’t gone of yet. And turned back over thinking it’s bound to go off soon.

When it went off again in what felt like no time at all. In my exhausted dream like state I was annoyed at the scientist... bare with me. I thought I was in an experiment for time travel where they were testing the effects on reversing time and then accelerating it to test the effects on humans.

First test obviously whilst alseep because less impact that way I guess.

I angirly turned of my alarm. Feeling groggy and dizzy. And that the experiment wasn’t worth it.

I had nearly forgotten about it when my alarm went off again. And I turned of my alarm and got out of bed and returned to reality.

But I was still really annoyed at the scientists.

Brains really are a weird and wonderful thing.

xoxo

Life Lesson // Project 365 // Day 28

Editing your life can be a peculiar task.

Looking back on past moments can make you yearn for the past.

But life only moves forward and everything will help with your inevitable growth.

Sometimes you got to say fuck it and do it whilst you still can.

Other times you have to embrace what’s happening.

xoxo

What do you want to do? // Project 365 // Day 21

So what do you want to do? 

I want to spend days taking photos and be able to be proud of everyone that I post.
I want to make short films, and have time to edit them.
I want to be paid correctly and  not be chasing what I'm owed.
I want to not scrape by pay cheque to pay cheque
I want to live and not just survive
I want to spend time wandering places I've never been to just me and my camera
I want to finish a book.
I want to live outside my comfort zone instead of this repetition life.
I want to stop doubting and start doing
I want to escape

I want to be able to answer this question out loud

I want to stop saying I don't know

I want you to stop asking this question, not because I don't want to hear it, but because I'm no longer in this place of needing to be asked.

xoxo

Life's a Carousel Ride // Project 365 // Day 17

When I go to theme parks I really love heading for the big roller coasters, I love one that turns upside down. I love the thrill of it. The ups and downs, loops, twists and turns. But no matter how much I love a good roller coaster I still have a lot of love for a good old Carousel Ride.

It's not a wild ride, but there's music and laughter and it's dependable.  No matter where you are you know what you're getting with it.

 Life's a lot like a carousel, there's ups and downs and you just keep on going round.  So pick a horse and hold on tight.

xoxo

Summertime and the livin' is easy...

Somehow 2018 has managed to fast forwarder us to August. It seems mad that we are already passed the half way mark when I only just feel like I welcomed the New Year in on a drizzly December Eve in Ashton Lane. 

Yet somehow we are here facing what has been such a lovely summer for Scotland. And for what most people I encounter claim to be to hot! When the winter comes to freeze us once more I’ll remember the nights I spent sitting in beer gardens and coming home and sleeping on top of the covers. 

Each season has a purpose. When summer has tired us out we long for the dark nights, the cosy jumpers the chill in the air. When winter has outstayed its welcome we pray for good summer days and more memories to make.  

I’m  a  June baby, born in heatwave that rivals the one we currently are experiencing. June is one of these months that just seems to be good for me.  Sometimes purposefully, sometimes accidentally it is just a month that I really revel in.  Past highlights have included a trip to New York, Prom, concerts that have included Bon Jovi, Springsteen, All American Rejects, Blink 182, Tyler Hilton and more. And its just a month I tend to have really good memories with friends and family in. 

This year being no exception with a trip to Prague, a professional photography/filming job, a gig and many nights out. I’m leaving the month in a blissful bubble. July was slower but still held summer nights full of memories as the heat held out. 

 I think its good to reflect on the highs of life, my brain often gets bugged down with the lows, I struggle as I come to the end of my rotation round the sun and yet another year ticks on my counter this year 22 became 23 and though ageing is a tough process I came to grips slightly more easily as I wandered the streets of a new city. And if getting older does one thing for me and one thing only fulfilling my little wanderlust hearts wishes is enough for me. 

August becomes a transitional month as Summer becomes Autumn and we prepare for the darker nights, colder days and thicker clothing. I both don't want to lose summer just yet and am all to ready to jump into this next phase. 

Confessions from a TERRIBLE person!

For a long while now I’ve been practicing don’t wish bad on people no matter who they are. Don’t wish them to fail or bad upon them because at the end of the day karma’s a bitch and if your sending negative energy out, you will receive negative energy back. 

And whither you believe in that or not, why waste time being negative when it doesn't effect you.  

As a person who suffers from bad brain days, I do try and make sure my own negativity doesn’t affect those around me. I’ve been having a few incredibly positive days, had you talked to me this afternoon you would not have been able to conclude how the evening was going to go. 

I have a friend who went for a job, a role I have been doing on a lesser salary that it is given due to circumstances out with my current control. I have been routing for her despite other people hoping that she would fail, and have been left in uncomfortable situations with friends of mine because of my support. 

Nevertheless she is my friend, I truly want her to succeed. This is where I confess what a truly horrible person I am.  

When she called me to say she was successful in getting the job mere minutes after she had left the interview. I wasn’t happy for her.  

Outwardly I was so happy for her, on the phone I praised her and told her I knew she could do it. I did know that from the moment she went for the job I was sure of her ability to go for the job and get it and though I think she may struggle with some aspects of the role I’m sure in time she will be able to conquer those to.  

And I am happy for her, but it was all too easy. 

My own road in our company has been full of hardships and crushing moments.  I have been promised jobs and let down time after time. I have been working a role above my pay grade for two years, with very little thanks. There has also been a lot of negativity surrounding my age and friendships I keep. Though I do not let them effect my job, I was at one point told as long as I was friends with a certain colleague I would not make advancements. 

Along with negative remarks, I have had colleagues purposefully try to get me into trouble and have received condescending talks from my direct manager and sexist remarks from our Store manager. I have had to wear this all and act like it does not effect me as not to look like a poor sport. 

And whilst I’m happy for her, a part of me does resent that she got it so easily. 

Where as I’m still here unsure what my next step is because the company can’t give me answers. 

And I feel truly awful for not being a 100% happy for her.  

I was such a part of her road to the interview that I gave up the plans I had made on my only day off in 11 days to help her interview prep, sat with her and acted out a mock interview giving suggestions on what she could add to give fuller answers. I truly enjoyed being part of the process. 

But sometimes when your struggling and life gets a little heavy its hard to be completely happy for a person. Doesn’t matter if there your friend or not. Especially when your on similar journeys and taking very different roads. 

I got to a point tonight where I was crying out of frustration, frustration for myself and the fact that to look like I’m serious for the role I would like that I have lost a work, life balance and its taken a serious toll on my mental and physical health. and frustration that I can’t be 100% happy for my friend who has worked hard for the role, who deserves the promotion. 

And though I will never tell her, I am so angry at myself for feeling this way. 

Monthly Motivation : Its Ok to feel...

Well November ended with a bang,  it was like for a moment, a fleeting moment, my life might actually be alright and something good was happening. The month was filled with catching up with old friends, spending time with new ones, things at work weren’t great but the people made up for that, things that had been on hold for months were finally going forward. It seemed like life was finally moving. Then it didn’t and it really hurt more than I care to admit. 

Here’s the thing with life sometimes, the bad can greatly overshadow the good. It eclipses it, you know that the light is there but it seems so little.  Thats life. And yeah you should be thankful about the good and focus on positivity. 

Sometimes you just need a moment, be sad about it. Your allowed to hurt, your allowed to be angry or frustrated and not see the glass as half full. Your allowed to be tired.  

I felt all these things, I felt so much anger and I continue to find it hard to let go of all of it, such a short time has passed and the cut its still raw.  I’m hurt and thats the one that I don’t want to resurrect to the surface I don’t want people to see me hurt, and thats silly its a human emotion, It's what I feel, but its  like its too much for people to see that. I’m frustrated I'm in the same old state of life I’ve always been in and I so desperately want my life to be moving forward. And I’m so, so tired of everything being a fight. And yeah I want to give up.  

And its ok to feel that. 

But know its time to take those feelings and use them, they can’t stay inside and eat you alive because then you lose. And in moments like these you can’t lose. You can’t give up.  

Every time you fall down, every time life knocks you down. You need to pick yourself back up and continue. 

You need to tell life your not done yet.  That this can’t be the path for you and your off to find another road that will lead you to your goal. 

Because whats for you will not go by you. 

And yeah you may take a minute cause yeah sometimes this shit that life throws and you gets a bit heavy and you just need a second to breath.  

Just a second, because life is happening and you’ve just got to keep on keeping on. 

Look around in your life and see the people who are good for you lean on them for a second go out for a drink, have a chat, grab a waffle and a hot chocolate, go to the pub quiz. Know 

that in the bad you don't have to be alone that the burden is not yours and yours alone. 

Don't let life setbacks to completely eclipse everything brilliant that is going on around you. 

October / November Favourites

Water Colour Paints : I just picked up a cheap set from my local supermarket, very good to embellish notes/journals.

Paperchase Notepad : I love that this opens differently. I also love that its not lined I feel more free when I'm trying to be creative when theres nothing to tell me what to do. A blank page is the best. I'm a notepad addict I have millions strewn about my house unfinished.

NYX Colour Corrector : I've recently ventured into the weird wonderful world of colour correction.  I'm loving it so far. Adds a little time to my routine but worth it.

Plum Quad, Kat Von D : I got this as unexpected surprise from my Gran, I've admired a lot of Kat Von D's make-up collection but never bought anything, This little quad is amazing the colours are beautiful and well pigmented and I just love how they look.

Buffalo Offering, Bethany Joy Lenz w/Stillnest : I adore this necklace (the whole range is beautiful) I got the longer length as I like how that sits, and the Rose Gold is just beautiful.

Monthly Motivation: Don't Beat Yourself Up!

My monthly motivations tend to come from a specific lesson I thought I had learned in a month. One that prominently stuck out. Which makes this hard advice to dole out considering I spent most of September beating myself up over mistakes I had made. As though they made me less of a person.

Three major things happened in September that I really struggled with the aftermath of. It wasn't my actions that changed me but how I treated myself in the days and weeks after.

What was worse that all three actions happened quite early in the month and close together. I had barely dealt with one before I had to deal with the next and that subsequently made it all a lot harder to process.

I fucked up and I wasn't used to fucking up on such a monumental scale and to be honest I wasn't equipped to cope with what it felt like.

I was really hard on myself it stopped me enjoying little moments in life. I was to busy punishing myself and as a result people noticed. I had a chat with a few of them which resulted in the same end to the conversation. That a mistake is only bad if you don't learn from it.

If I were to do it again then it would be bad, I wouldn't have learned. I had to stop beating myself up over these instances, everything was fixable and I was fine. And truthfully I would like to say it was that easy and I had a more c'est la vie look on what happened. But I still struggle. Not to the extent that I was but its an ongoing battle.

But I have realised that talking to people helps lighten the burden and get a different perspective on the situation does help a lot.  And to not be as quick to judge yourself. Your doing your best don't be so hard on yourself. Even if it feels like the end of the world its defiantly not.

#MonthlyMotivation : Making Time!

I'm the first to admit that i can be the world worst for making time, whither it be for a friend or a task I can easily find an excuse as why not to do something not enough time, to tired, whats the point ect. But what I am really excusing myself from is the chance to have fun, be productive, make memories.

In August I set out to start saying yes to more things (and not just more shifts) things that I knew before I would say no to (or the dreaded maybe and drag it out a few days before the no) And learned quickly that the only person standing in my way of having a good time was myself (and a few shifts).

So make time for your friends, go out with your friends after work, revel in £1 vodkas and surround yourself in laughter even if its just for an hour or two. That girls day you've been meaning to have, have it! even if its Wednesday if it works it works.  Keep meaning to get in touch with an old friend shoot them a text, meet up if you can, you'll remember why you were friends after ten minutes.

Make time for your family, have coffee with your gran, dinner with your dad, have long chats and a drink with your Mum, you will feel better once you have.

Make time for all the things you have been putting off, eyebrow waxes, filing paperwork, gym classes.

Make time for yourself, draw a bath and prop your laptop up a bubble bath and an episode of your favourite show and suddenly the whole world will feel right!

did i say make time enough... just live your best life x

#MusicMonday: Older - Lacey

Monday's nearly over... so quickly before this hectic day gets the best of me.

I used "Older" by Lacey to narrate my first weekly vlog, it made me remember how much I love this song.

and as always enjoy x

Check my new weekly vlog out below... 

Almost...

 

This quote has been weighing on my mind a lot recently, and on and off in the last couple of years. 

I feel very connected to it. Almost but not quite. 

All aspects of my life feel very almost....

So I thought I'd leave it here for you to ponder, incase you needed it. 

X

Monthly Motivation | Holding On and Letting Go

March has been a weird one. I wanted to be so productive but was struck down by a cold/flu type where I lost my voice and all my energy for a large portion of the month as well as having to work a lot more than I had initially expected. 

So when I decided to gut my room I didn’t realise just quite how long it would take. Or that I would still be here at the end of the month trying to get everything done.  

I was re-evaluating everything that I have kept over the years and what was my reason for doing so I was being ruthless. I’m a not so secret hoarder everything has a memory or an emotional attachment and I can find a reason to keep all most everything… a reason to not let go.  

I’m a lot like that with grudges and friendships. I don’t let go when I should, I don’t hold on when I should.  

So when I was re-evaluating the baggage that was clogging up my room, I began to re-evaluate the baggage that was clogging up my mind. And to properly let go of things. as well as to try and hold on to others whilst I still could.  

It’s a hard process somethings are just to hard to let go of all together, somethings need to be put back in the box for next time.  

But in the end you feel lighter, like a huge weight has been lifted from you. And yeah it might take a little longer than you thought and it might be a little harder than you’d imagine. But you’ll get there and so will I. 

Disorganised Stress

At the beginning of this week it looked as though I’d have an abundance of time. So I began to disassemble my room. So when I put it back together again, it no longer look as though I was a secret hoarder… of course the moment I decide to act on anything things no longer go to plan. So now my room looks as though a hurricane as flown through it and I really have no proper time to tackle the task at hand.  

Because of this and the fact that I am also sorting through three years of footage and making sure everything has a place so that I can find everything with ease. It means that writing a blog or filming for my vlog have just fallen to the waste side. 

Making me feel incredibly unorganised and uneasy.  I am happy to be able to pick up shifts at work and make some extra pennies. But I had so many things to work upon this week and because progress is now coming at a much slower rate I feel like I’ve just abandoned everything and nothing will ever be finished. Even though the truth probably is that this time next week It will all be fine and dandy. I’m filled with slight panic currently and thats the emotion my brain if focused on. 

Being impatient often works to a disadvantage when having to do things like these. I thought I’d be finished by today but instead I have barely started, I’m trying to wrap my head that everything will be done and will be fine, but instead I create new tasks… one thing at a time… deep breath… here we go… Hopefully shall have a much more regular post schedule soon.