I like this place // Project 365 // Day 222

I like this place 

and could willing 

waste my time in it 

xoxo

Excuses // Project 365 // Day 84

84 days into the year and I am fed up of making excuses for myself. I haven’t been to the gym this year and my membership is burning a hole in my bank account.

Last night I packed my gym kit, took it to work with me. All day I wasn’t feeling it. By the end of my shift I felt drained and my feet ached in my new work shoes I’m breaking in. All I wanted to do was go home.

I was telling a friend that I didn’t want to go. But I knew that going back today was the difference between getting back into routine and another week or month of making excuses for myself.

Once I’m at the gym I feel great. The endorphins kick in and not matter how sore I am after a work out I can never truly regret it because at least I showed up.

Here’s to routine and no more excuses.

xoxo

Diving Back In: Plus size gal and the Pool

// I had originally wrote some of this post after the incident occurred. It has taken almost two years to work up the courage to both return to the pool and express my feelings about it // 

Day of the incident, heavily filtered photo. 

I took this at my least confident almost two years ago. Not to say this was my biggest ( this definitely wasn't my biggest I recently stumbled upon weight logs I kept from back then and I currently weigh in quite a bit heavier, hoping to rectify that) . I had been going to the gym and went swimming almost everyday and really I was feeling a whole lot better In myself.

 a week before the incident, feeling quite confident.

Until maybe about half an hour before I took this picture. I had just worked out and then went for a swim. I finished showering, and walked passed the class of school children going for there lesson. When a boy at the front of the queue decided to yell out "there goes a fatty" and proceeded to yell "fatty" until I was out of earshot. 

I didn't hear anyone reprimand this child. And to be honest I feel silly that I let it get to me as much as I did. Cause I went into a changing room and cried. 

Suddenly every negative comment that had ever been thrown at me was in my head and I honestly couldn't handle it. The the comment came from child who was maybe 10 (and should have know better) I was 20 and had been faced with comments like these my entire life. 

Now I know my reflection in the mirror I'm the one confronted with it everyday. And I've never been sure wither it's the words or how there said (probably both) Or the fact that some people can't see beyond the weight. Or if I'm in an argument with someone it's the first thing they bring up to hurt me. I've spent a lot of time wishing that I was different. I've spent a lot of time stopping and starting diets and exercise. And ultimately I've spent a lot of time trying to forgive myself for failing yet again. Long of the short of it is. Yes I know I'm fat. 

That is the truth. And I'm part of a society that deems that as a negative quality. The incident happened in 2015 and I went back to the pool a handful of times after it. And then when on holiday to Lanzarote in October of that year. And then didn't return to the pool until 30th May this year. 

It's a hard task. My confidence is still knocked. I have went up and down over the last two years. Never surpassing what I weighed at my largest. But never truly being able to shift the weight. It's frustrating especially when I know what to do. 

A photo I never thought I would put on the internet. 

Going back to the pool is step one of body take back. I can't keep waiting to lose weight before I am able to live my life. I have to be able to do the things I wish to do. And be comfortable with my self and whatever size. 

Diving back in…. or shuffling my butt to the end and gently easing myself in wasn’t as hard as I though it was going to be.  I imagined a much longer inner monologue about the whole situation.  I had packed my swimming suit so that after an early spin and gym workout that I could go cool of before work. And because I think my head was so in the zone, it was almost a non issue and before I knew it I was in the pool. 

I have returned several times since some instances harder than others to overcome, the more crowded the pool the more anxiety I have around the issue. The last time I was in the pool I stupidly went early afternoon during the school holidays, full of kids, who thankful left me alone. 

I still beat myself up for letting someone who 1) doesn’t know me and 2) is half my age affect such a part of my life unfortunately our brains are fickle things and we often do not have much control over feelings. Luckily we are able to control our actions. 

The boys minus one, they were good sports.

I even managed to work up the courage to wear a bikini in front of my guy pals on our recent trip to Annecy. Though it played heavily at the front of my mind what I looked like I got over myself and had a great time. 

Looking like a gal living life with confidence. 

I don't often write about my plights as a plus size gal, I've always figured whats the point.  I'm gonna touch upon this topic more on my blog I really feel like I'm beginning to find my voice and feel mildly comfortable to talk about issues I've faced living life on the bigger side. It's taken me years to get to this point.  

Plus Size at Alton Towers

Truth time

Going down to Alton Towers filled me with so much anxiety, I broke down in tears on more than one occasion in the weeks and days leading up to the trip. I'm not a crier, but there I was either having to hold back the tears, stop talking about the trip or full on  unconsolable sobbing. The thought of going just made me so uncomfortable. 

The last time I was down at Alton Towers was 2012 looking back I don't think I was that much bigger than I was but since I started monitoring my weight and measurements last year I have just felt huge. 

My trip to the theme park in 2012 was the second time I had been to Alton Towers and as someone who really loves roll coasters I was just really excited to go back. Until I experienced some of the most painful humiliation of my life. I was 17 and to big for Air.  

Air (now known as Galactica) doesn't just have over the top barriers but thigh locks, the couldn't get it locked to the satisfaction so after already having to move seat I made the even more embarrassing walk off the ride.  

So I wasn't really returning to Alton Towers with fond memories. 

But my friends wanted to go and kept reassuring me that I be fine, and really for myself mentally I really didn't think I should go, I was putting myself through a hell of a lot of stress to spend so much money. 

But most of my fears where unjust and I had a great day.  I will leave my measurements and ride experiences below. For all you plus sized folk who are going off to Alton Towers at any point. I didn't go back on Air or Galactica as it is now called and includes a virtual reality experienced, I'm still quite scarred from the experience and didn't even want to try the seat at the beginning of the ride.

Smiler: Perfectly fine, no extra pushes or anything, also included the nicest staff of the park.  Seats were perfectly comfortable. If you have any anxieties about it after the crash don't its probably now the safest ride in the park and is a really amazing rollercoaster. 

Oblivion: This ride contains two seat types, some have two buckles and some have one, I was moved to a two buckle seat as they have a little more room, the one buckle seat was literally like half an inch from pushing in so if your measurements are just slightly smaller than mine you will have no issues. 

THI3TEEN: An extra push to make sure it clicked but wasn't uncomfortable, staff were really nice about having to do so and double checked that I wasn't uncomfortable. 

Rita: A little anxiety before I got on this one as there was a walk off on the go before we went on. But this ride was fine, no extra pushes. 

Duel: Absolutely no worries here. Perfectly fine. 

Runaway Mine Train: No extra pushes here, but the guy did double check if I was comfortable, I'll admit it was a little tight but nothing to uncomfortable. 

Nemesis: Was moved rows to which most forums I have seen described as the big boy seats, once again a few inches smaller than me you will be completely fine. 

Congo River Rapids: Nothing to worry about on this. 

Spinball Whizzer: Now this one was a weird one, First time I went on it, it took an extra push a really skinny girl couldn't do it, but she got one of the other girls, and then that was it no bother just pushed. The second time however much different, now maybe 45 minutes had passed we had returned to smiler twice and as we were leaving passing this by we decided to just hop on one last time. It seemed like they were purposely trying to embarrass me. They stopped the ride the girl hopped on the track and told me she needed to here a certain number of clicks, I was like that fine I've literally just be on this ride, she didn't get them, so released it again told me to stand up change the position of my legs still no fit. At this point the two friends I had returned with who were sitting the opposite way where trying to work out what was going on. And we all explained that I had just been on the ride very unsympathetically I was told that she wasn't getting enough clicks so had to get off the ride. I felt so humiliated. 

Anyway if you do venture to Alton Towers I hope you have a lovely time. x