For a long while now I’ve been practicing don’t wish bad on people no matter who they are. Don’t wish them to fail or bad upon them because at the end of the day karma’s a bitch and if your sending negative energy out, you will receive negative energy back.
And whither you believe in that or not, why waste time being negative when it doesn't effect you.
As a person who suffers from bad brain days, I do try and make sure my own negativity doesn’t affect those around me. I’ve been having a few incredibly positive days, had you talked to me this afternoon you would not have been able to conclude how the evening was going to go.
I have a friend who went for a job, a role I have been doing on a lesser salary that it is given due to circumstances out with my current control. I have been routing for her despite other people hoping that she would fail, and have been left in uncomfortable situations with friends of mine because of my support.
Nevertheless she is my friend, I truly want her to succeed. This is where I confess what a truly horrible person I am.
When she called me to say she was successful in getting the job mere minutes after she had left the interview. I wasn’t happy for her.
Outwardly I was so happy for her, on the phone I praised her and told her I knew she could do it. I did know that from the moment she went for the job I was sure of her ability to go for the job and get it and though I think she may struggle with some aspects of the role I’m sure in time she will be able to conquer those to.
And I am happy for her, but it was all too easy.
My own road in our company has been full of hardships and crushing moments. I have been promised jobs and let down time after time. I have been working a role above my pay grade for two years, with very little thanks. There has also been a lot of negativity surrounding my age and friendships I keep. Though I do not let them effect my job, I was at one point told as long as I was friends with a certain colleague I would not make advancements.
Along with negative remarks, I have had colleagues purposefully try to get me into trouble and have received condescending talks from my direct manager and sexist remarks from our Store manager. I have had to wear this all and act like it does not effect me as not to look like a poor sport.
And whilst I’m happy for her, a part of me does resent that she got it so easily.
Where as I’m still here unsure what my next step is because the company can’t give me answers.
And I feel truly awful for not being a 100% happy for her.
I was such a part of her road to the interview that I gave up the plans I had made on my only day off in 11 days to help her interview prep, sat with her and acted out a mock interview giving suggestions on what she could add to give fuller answers. I truly enjoyed being part of the process.
But sometimes when your struggling and life gets a little heavy its hard to be completely happy for a person. Doesn’t matter if there your friend or not. Especially when your on similar journeys and taking very different roads.
I got to a point tonight where I was crying out of frustration, frustration for myself and the fact that to look like I’m serious for the role I would like that I have lost a work, life balance and its taken a serious toll on my mental and physical health. and frustration that I can’t be 100% happy for my friend who has worked hard for the role, who deserves the promotion.
And though I will never tell her, I am so angry at myself for feeling this way.
