Confessions from a TERRIBLE person!

For a long while now I’ve been practicing don’t wish bad on people no matter who they are. Don’t wish them to fail or bad upon them because at the end of the day karma’s a bitch and if your sending negative energy out, you will receive negative energy back. 

And whither you believe in that or not, why waste time being negative when it doesn't effect you.  

As a person who suffers from bad brain days, I do try and make sure my own negativity doesn’t affect those around me. I’ve been having a few incredibly positive days, had you talked to me this afternoon you would not have been able to conclude how the evening was going to go. 

I have a friend who went for a job, a role I have been doing on a lesser salary that it is given due to circumstances out with my current control. I have been routing for her despite other people hoping that she would fail, and have been left in uncomfortable situations with friends of mine because of my support. 

Nevertheless she is my friend, I truly want her to succeed. This is where I confess what a truly horrible person I am.  

When she called me to say she was successful in getting the job mere minutes after she had left the interview. I wasn’t happy for her.  

Outwardly I was so happy for her, on the phone I praised her and told her I knew she could do it. I did know that from the moment she went for the job I was sure of her ability to go for the job and get it and though I think she may struggle with some aspects of the role I’m sure in time she will be able to conquer those to.  

And I am happy for her, but it was all too easy. 

My own road in our company has been full of hardships and crushing moments.  I have been promised jobs and let down time after time. I have been working a role above my pay grade for two years, with very little thanks. There has also been a lot of negativity surrounding my age and friendships I keep. Though I do not let them effect my job, I was at one point told as long as I was friends with a certain colleague I would not make advancements. 

Along with negative remarks, I have had colleagues purposefully try to get me into trouble and have received condescending talks from my direct manager and sexist remarks from our Store manager. I have had to wear this all and act like it does not effect me as not to look like a poor sport. 

And whilst I’m happy for her, a part of me does resent that she got it so easily. 

Where as I’m still here unsure what my next step is because the company can’t give me answers. 

And I feel truly awful for not being a 100% happy for her.  

I was such a part of her road to the interview that I gave up the plans I had made on my only day off in 11 days to help her interview prep, sat with her and acted out a mock interview giving suggestions on what she could add to give fuller answers. I truly enjoyed being part of the process. 

But sometimes when your struggling and life gets a little heavy its hard to be completely happy for a person. Doesn’t matter if there your friend or not. Especially when your on similar journeys and taking very different roads. 

I got to a point tonight where I was crying out of frustration, frustration for myself and the fact that to look like I’m serious for the role I would like that I have lost a work, life balance and its taken a serious toll on my mental and physical health. and frustration that I can’t be 100% happy for my friend who has worked hard for the role, who deserves the promotion. 

And though I will never tell her, I am so angry at myself for feeling this way. 

#LifeinaPicture : Focusing on the Lows

I’m going to start a series over here, that I do on my Instagram from time to time, called #LifeinaPicture where I take a picture and kinda explain whats being happening even though the picture may not convey the story, thoughts or emotions. 

Life in a Picture - 11/01/17

Today was a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows,  I woke up late the alarm didn’t go off and luckily I only woke up half an hour late. I was going out shopping with a friend who over the past few years due to work or college related things I have cancelled or rescheduled on often. So these days even though work still gets in the way a lot I try my best to not cancel on her.  

 So when work asked me to do a shift on my first day off after 10 days on the trot and even though I knew I was over worked, tired and needed the rest I said yes.  I have a guilty conscious and even though it was them who were not organised to fill the shift I felt bad.  

So here’s to trying to fit everything in and half the best of both worlds… which never happens, the day ends up feeling rushed, stressful and never ending.  

I was subtly reminded amongst the shopping and spot of lunch what a crappy friend I can be. And when I got to work was reminded what a unthankful task that can be.  

It’s a lot of things were just coming my way telling me I was doing a horrible job at everything which leads me to sitting in my bed at 20 past 1 in the morning crying out my frustration. 

I try, I really try. I have been worked to the bone, had no thanks, been let down by my management time after time and basically been told to suck it up. (literally at one point told to continue taking shifts for a job role that I wasn’t getting correctly paid for and had not been given the promotion for as to not look like a “sore loser” ) 

Working with the public is thankless, people complain over menial things and management take it seriously. And most of the time I try to let what happens in a day just wash right over me, but sometimes it sticks. So again I’m stuck with nights like tonight with a deep need to quit my job and not being able to.

One day… one day soon, maybe. 

I realised I’ve focused on the lows so here are the highs; finally got my Michael Korrs Access to work, went record shopping, lunch with one of my best friends, made plans with a friend I haven’t seen in a long while.
 

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