Diving Back In: Plus size gal and the Pool

// I had originally wrote some of this post after the incident occurred. It has taken almost two years to work up the courage to both return to the pool and express my feelings about it // 

Day of the incident, heavily filtered photo. 

I took this at my least confident almost two years ago. Not to say this was my biggest ( this definitely wasn't my biggest I recently stumbled upon weight logs I kept from back then and I currently weigh in quite a bit heavier, hoping to rectify that) . I had been going to the gym and went swimming almost everyday and really I was feeling a whole lot better In myself.

 a week before the incident, feeling quite confident.

Until maybe about half an hour before I took this picture. I had just worked out and then went for a swim. I finished showering, and walked passed the class of school children going for there lesson. When a boy at the front of the queue decided to yell out "there goes a fatty" and proceeded to yell "fatty" until I was out of earshot. 

I didn't hear anyone reprimand this child. And to be honest I feel silly that I let it get to me as much as I did. Cause I went into a changing room and cried. 

Suddenly every negative comment that had ever been thrown at me was in my head and I honestly couldn't handle it. The the comment came from child who was maybe 10 (and should have know better) I was 20 and had been faced with comments like these my entire life. 

Now I know my reflection in the mirror I'm the one confronted with it everyday. And I've never been sure wither it's the words or how there said (probably both) Or the fact that some people can't see beyond the weight. Or if I'm in an argument with someone it's the first thing they bring up to hurt me. I've spent a lot of time wishing that I was different. I've spent a lot of time stopping and starting diets and exercise. And ultimately I've spent a lot of time trying to forgive myself for failing yet again. Long of the short of it is. Yes I know I'm fat. 

That is the truth. And I'm part of a society that deems that as a negative quality. The incident happened in 2015 and I went back to the pool a handful of times after it. And then when on holiday to Lanzarote in October of that year. And then didn't return to the pool until 30th May this year. 

It's a hard task. My confidence is still knocked. I have went up and down over the last two years. Never surpassing what I weighed at my largest. But never truly being able to shift the weight. It's frustrating especially when I know what to do. 

A photo I never thought I would put on the internet. 

Going back to the pool is step one of body take back. I can't keep waiting to lose weight before I am able to live my life. I have to be able to do the things I wish to do. And be comfortable with my self and whatever size. 

Diving back in…. or shuffling my butt to the end and gently easing myself in wasn’t as hard as I though it was going to be.  I imagined a much longer inner monologue about the whole situation.  I had packed my swimming suit so that after an early spin and gym workout that I could go cool of before work. And because I think my head was so in the zone, it was almost a non issue and before I knew it I was in the pool. 

I have returned several times since some instances harder than others to overcome, the more crowded the pool the more anxiety I have around the issue. The last time I was in the pool I stupidly went early afternoon during the school holidays, full of kids, who thankful left me alone. 

I still beat myself up for letting someone who 1) doesn’t know me and 2) is half my age affect such a part of my life unfortunately our brains are fickle things and we often do not have much control over feelings. Luckily we are able to control our actions. 

The boys minus one, they were good sports.

I even managed to work up the courage to wear a bikini in front of my guy pals on our recent trip to Annecy. Though it played heavily at the front of my mind what I looked like I got over myself and had a great time. 

Looking like a gal living life with confidence. 

I don't often write about my plights as a plus size gal, I've always figured whats the point.  I'm gonna touch upon this topic more on my blog I really feel like I'm beginning to find my voice and feel mildly comfortable to talk about issues I've faced living life on the bigger side. It's taken me years to get to this point.